I mean we exchanged gifts—but I never stepped foot into a church as a child. I think the first time I was ever actually in a church with my mother was on my wedding day.
I had also never been baptized. My parents agreed that it was best for me to find my own way, in terms of religion. As a kid, I remember being asked by friends, “What are you?” My reply was almost always, “I am nothing.” Which, looking back, is kind of sad; but still, nobody got it—silly children. They could not comprehend that religion was indoctrination, not law. That being said, sometimes I did feel left out, like when my friend Heather got to pick her confirmation name. My mom laughed when I told her that if I had to pick a name, it would be “Roxanne.” Apparently, that name was not on the “acceptable” list—there was no Saint Roxanne. I decided that if I could not be Roxanne, it was not worth my time pursuing the Catholic religion. It seemed to me that they were already trying to stifle my creativity, so instead I named my bike Roxanne and moved on.
I don’t like to compare myself to my father but if forced to, I would say we both have the same “extreme” gene. For me, it’s my moods, my drinking and, at times, my drug taking; but for my dad it was, and always has been, Jesus. My father did not just dabble in Jesus—after his second failed marriage, he jumped in full throttle and expected all to follow. On summer vacations I went to faith healings, was forced to speak in tongues and even had hands laid on me when I felt ill. Slowly, all onus of my well-being was being shifted from my father, right into the hands of someone I did not know, had never seen and had absolutely no interest in: Jesus.
My father would even talk to Jesus in front of people. I will never forget the time my friend Susan was riding upstate with us and my dad began speaking to Jesus, thanking him for pretty much everything under the sun. “Thank you Jesus for this car, thank you Jesus for this road, thank you Jesus for my bowel movement this morning.” I was mortified. This Jesus was really beginning to cramp my style, and becoming quite an embarrassment to me. I would soon learn, however, that the best from Jesus was yet to come.
I will never forget the day my dad changed his name. He showed up at our apartment unexpectedly, as he often did, but this time with a shaved head. My mom opened the door and immediately burst into laughter. Apparently, while my dad was in the shower—probably thanking Jesus for everything from the water to the soap—Jesus had decided it was a good time for him to shave his head. Jesus also decided he needed a name change, so from that day on, my father would be known as “Israel Shomer.” My mom thought it was hysterical that Jesus had nothing better to do than worry about my father’s hairstyle, and wondered aloud if we all had to take the last name of “Shomer.”
It’s hard to figure out why some people turn outward when hard times hit, and some choose to look inward during challenging situations; but looking back, I really believe my dad used Jesus as a way of not taking responsibility for his own actions. If there is a puppet master with a master plan over which you have no control, you never really have to take responsibility for your life. You can rely fully on Jesus to make everything okay. I will never forget being a 15 year old and wanting to go see Motley Crue. My dad told me to go pray in my room and ask Jesus for permission. When I came out five minutes later I told him, “Jesus said it was totally cool.” He looked at me and said, “Well, Cynthia, Jesus told me it was not a good idea.” It was at that point I knew I would never get along with or trust this Two Faced Jesus. What kind of person or god dashes the hopes of a 15 year old girl who just wanted to see one of her favorite bands play live?
I am now 40 years old, and my father is still using the same “Jesus” approach in his parenting. We don’t speak and haven’t in over a year, mostly because of my outspokenness when it comes to my own belief system, and partially because my stepmother does not like Bill Maher or gay marriage and has no sense of humor. But that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s not that I believe my father is an evil person; I would not even say he is a bad person, just misguided. I don’t think it’s wrong for him to believe what he does—who am I to judge that? But I do think it’s wrong for him to pin his actions on someone else, even if it is Jesus. I am sure that right now, somewhere down in Georgia, my father is praying for Jesus to turn this whole situation around and one day deliver me back to him, screaming repentance for all of my horrible ways. You know—wanting equality for all, gay or straight; sympathizing with all people, even Palestinians; and finding Bill Maher amusing.
My father and I have a huge difference in philosophy that I have finally come to accept. I am no longer interested in his approval, but I’m not saying our lack of a relationship doesn’t bother me. After Hurricane SandyI really expected that he would email to see if we were okay, especially since I had mailed him months back to say I was sorry for the way things were between us. When the days bled into weeks with no word, I realized that was not going to happen.
I started thinking about every event he missed in my life—my sixteenth birthday, my high school graduation, my two week hospital stay, the day I was sentenced to two years in prison, etc. I had made it through all of the major events, and some of the worst ones in my life, without my father. It’s hard when someone you love, particularly a parent, can’t give you what you need—unconditional love, patience, understanding, support. And sometimes I wonder—which one of us, again, believes in Jesus?
About the Author: Cynthia Cone is an Ex Con with no college education and very bad punctuation. She is currently living in Long Island, NY where she pays extremely high taxes and likes to drink.
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Comments: 9
Eric (Thursday, 20 December 2012 18:00)
Loved it!!!
Nick (Tuesday, 19 February 2013 06:19)
I love your candid writing style, but this article is more about your issues with your father than with Jesus. And I see that your father is a 'Jesus freak' so you are attributing your issues to his relationship with Jesus. But isn't this exactly like your father pinning his responsibilities onto Jesus? I think you may be looking for reconciliation with your father rather than 'Jesus'. Still, nice to read such a personal story from a fellow atheist, non-homophobic, enlightened person and I hope you work things out with your dad
Thrace (Tuesday, 12 March 2013 02:00)
You're situation is so similar to mine. Thank you for sharing!
Eddie G. (Sunday, 05 May 2013 18:27)
Sounds more like you're an agnostic than an Atheist, but that's kool.
I liked your story and wish you all the best and hope that you're able to improve your life and be able to move on and become self reliant for yourself and those whom you love and might need you in their lives.
Be good and free.
howler monkey (Wednesday, 08 May 2013 09:17)
lol but she already judged the man by saying everything she has. I grew up in an atheist family and turned out christian. When i'm in a bind i reach inward, sometimes outward. Stereotyping is so wrong and dehumanizing its very dangerous as we look back on history. This isn't preaching tolerance but intolerance. I also get that a lot of Christians do the same. Why the heck cant people just get along without bringing religion or non belief into the picture. I support gay rights, i don't believe the earth is 6000 years old its 6050 lol. Geez i just don't get it. I'm also against abortion, which always make people react and say "your a crazy right wing republican christian racist". No i'm not i dislike Ron Paul but i believe in libertarianism and liberty.Not by any means am i left or right im neutral on everything that does not harm people.Growing up in africa i consider people of all colors to be my brothers so im not a racist because i dislike President Obama's policies even though i do respect him a lot. He has a great history and talent, hes also a great family man. If i'm against abortion i should appeal the legal and democratic way, if i loose so be it. I'm against federal government prying in peoples bedrooms people should do what they want to do as long as its not against the law. I feel your belief or non belief should be private and you cannot judge peopel on this. I had a manager once telling me i cannot trust you because your christian. He also continued to say that i had a mental defect and i should be fed to lions. He made my job hell until i resigned. Judging and stereotyping people is not a good thing to do. I have a very strong family bond with my family and we sometimes debate heated topics for fun. I feel that this attitude form both sides damages our selves, our families and our country. However i do feel that people should be able to have their own feelings on every topic. Even if it isn't the popular vote. After all we are a democracy. I liked your story but geez give your old man and the old bat a break lol I hope they can do the same for you. Liberty Definition: The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life.
Howler Monkey (Wednesday, 08 May 2013 09:24)
BTW my wife is Christian and only really became a true believer shorty before i did. Shes also had similar troubles with her dad who is a Christian during Hurricane Ike. Since she turned 18 hes never really been there for her and her step mom almost seems jealous of her. But we still go to visit them form time to time.
Howler Monkey (Wednesday, 08 May 2013 09:26)
Last note. Not all Christians are like your dad i know this is a stereotypical Christian but i do not know of anyone who acts like this. Unless their under the influence of a mega money making super church
Cynthia Cone (Wednesday, 08 May 2013 18:55)
Thanks for the feedback - I actually identify more as a "Pantheist" than an Atheist but that aside this was VERY personal piece - More about the hypocrisy I see in SOME Christians and my experience growing up with my father (a man who does not always seem to practice the teachings of Christ). As Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Hence my title "Two Faced Jesus".....That being said - I find the bible to be one of the most disturbing books ever written...I have no problem with people who want to practice religion , just don't push it on me and if you are going to Preach - than walk the walk. Stop judging, mind your own business and love one another.
Howler Monkey (Thursday, 09 May 2013 22:43)
Yah i get what your saying. I think there's nothing more disgusting, than a Christian who does not act like Jesus did. Well sometimes i'm disgusted in myself for acting inappropriately then judging others. Christians should realize they are human, just like everyone else. No one is perfect and everyone has their own views,beliefs and vices. Where not able to forcefully change each other and we have to learn to love,get along and be tolerant. I agree with you on how disturbing the bible is though. But it does document the lives of people from ancient times. Pretty barbaric but that was life. I guarantee you worse things happened back then lol. Hell even in today's world there are worse things happening. One particular thing i totally hate is human trafficking. I read somewhere that the slave trade is larger today, than at any other point in history.Were largely shielded from the horrors of life and it does sadden me allot that most people don't even realize whats going on in the world. Even as we speak some one is being brutally murdered for no reason or sold into slavery. I do really like that Gandhi quote and i reflect on it a lot. I do hope your family situation improves isn't there a way just to forget the past and just move on? I understand your father has hurt you and i do know how that feels after my parents divorce.